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Tough love isn’t a quick-witted, one-and-done mandate that will make someone straighten up and fly right. If the status quo changes, they might react intensely as they try to hold onto the lie of control. For instance, a person who needs tough love has their own boundaries (even if not healthy), and they’re used to nobody rocking the boat. But tough love can often be harder on the person enforcing it than the one receiving it. Tough love is NOT easy.Īnother wrong impression is that people only resort to tough love because it’s the “easy” way out. However, destructive behavior needs to be addressed firmly - and that can be done without being harsh. Yes, boundaries are very much a part of tough love. Unfortunately, that path is wishy-washy at best and even more damaging at worst. They think that, even in harmful situations, you should simply set boundaries. People sometimes get hung up on the “tough” part of the process and fail to realize the “love” that’s still involved. Tough love does NOT deny the importance of boundaries.Ī common misconception is that tough love is harsh, cold, and withdrawn. You can only control how you interact in your relationships. You simply can’t control another person’s heart or behavior. Tough love cannot force the change you want, even when survival is on the line.
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But manipulation is an attempt to take away someone’s free will and replace it with your own desires. It’s OK to hope for healing, to want goodness for everyone involved. Tough love is NOT about manipulation or control. But tough love should never be undertaken with the mindset of, I’ll make you pay for hurting me. We might then try to punish someone for the damage they’ve done instead of considering their well-being and the welfare of our soul. If that happens, we turn from humility to superiority and use tough love out of unhealthy anger. The problem comes when we lose sight of the fact that we’re all sinners in need of a Savior. Make no mistake: Anger over injustice and oppression is healthy. Tough love is NOT done out of punishment or revenge. Hold the outcome loosely it might not look like you expect. However, every situation is different because every person involved is different. Tough love is an appropriate approach in these cases and can be an important puzzle piece toward healing. Issues such as abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual), addiction, infidelity, complete disregard for financial responsibility, and more, cannot be resolved quickly. Truly destructive behaviors are complex - in cause and impact and recovery. (Those are opportunities for healthy conflict resolution - or learning to just let some things go.) Tough love is NOT a one-size-fits-all solution.
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But not liking how your spouse loads the dishwasher, or disapproving of how your adult daughter cleans her house, or dealing with a slacking colleague, or being miffed because your friend forgot your birthday, or disagreeing over how to spend an end-of-year bonus are not reasons for tough love.
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We all face occasional frustrations and have pet peeves. Preferences are far different from red flags.
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Tough love is NOT about your preferences. However, to understand what makes tough love work - the good that it is - we must understand what tough love is not. Spoiler alert: The third option is the only healthy choice.
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You can also listen online for free to our broadcasts Practical Advice for Parenting Strong-Willed Children, Surviving the Strong-Willed Child, and Navigating the Challenges Teens Face. If you have parenting questions about how to help your child learn valuable lessons while being supportive and preserving their dignity, we encourage you to start with our articles Being an Authoritative Parent in the New Year, and Five Characteristics of Biblical Discipline. Similar concepts can be used with children and teens - but there are notable differences. NOTE: This article looks at tough love in the context of adult relationships.